[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
Holy shit, holy shit, HOLY SHIT!
LOVECRAFT WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING!
ALL RIGHT! LET HISTORY
KNOW YOU STARTED IT!
OH GOD! IT'S FOLLOWING ME!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Low gravity's coming in handy.
What the fuck's going on up there?!
YOU'RE FLYING PIÑATAS IS WHAT YOU ARE!
Sometimes I think it's so
awesome being me
that the universe has turn to
complete shit to cope with it.
This is one of those predictions
I was hoping wasn't true, but...
...but reality is clearly breaking
down the longer I'm alive.
Ah! Wonderful. Well, this is good.
Well, hey, now I know all the big secrets.
This is why security was so
tight at Black Mesa:
we were killing people by the hundreds!
The best part is: there would have
been no evidence at all! None!
Now I'm not even sure if these
were Science Team members.
I think they might've just been
spare security guards.
"Hey, you want to
make an extra fifty bucks?
"Just put this suit on and walk
into that chamber."
That's probably why we had advertisements
for security guards ALL OVER the damned place.
They might not have even been
guards, not all of them.
We were in fucking New Mexico; they could've
just thrown migrant workers in here.
Because hundreds of scientists disappearing?
There's no way they could've gotten away
with that! That would send shockwaves!
What was it that guy said to me?
I know more than any one man should?
He must've been dead serious
when he said that.
Okay, so it's either live in this ant colony
or find out where this goes.
OH, THANKS! I NEEDED A DISTRACTION!
I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS I NEED
TO DEAL WITH OR ANYTHING!
I'M TOTALLY NOT
FIGHTING AN ELDER GOD! NOPE!
THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING!
BUT I SHOULD TRY AND KEEP PERSPECTIVE!
WE HAD DINOSAURS BIGGER THAN YOU!
AND EARTH GRAVITY'S WAY HIGHER,
SO WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?!
Fuck, I'm out of explosive rounds!
Hey, that crystal's helping him!
WHAT THE SHIT?! DON'T DO THAT!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR BIG HEAD
AND YOUR STUPID CRYSTALS!
YEAH! WHAT D'YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
WUAAAAAA-AAAAAA-AAAAA-AAAAAAH!
STOP BEING ASSHOLES! I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!
I JUST HAVE TO TEACH YOU WITH MY BULLETS!
LOTS AND LOTS OF BULLETS!
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
I THOUGHT I GOT ALL OF THEM!
DON'T YOU GLOW RED ON ME!
Okay, well, you seem to be
ignoring me. I'll take that.
I mean, in time, I'll need you
to show respect,
but for now, I'll settle for not shrieking
like a harpy and trying to mind-flay me.
Whoa-ho! Don't have my space legs yet.
Oh, here we go! Lots of stuff!
See, your sacrifice
would've been in vain,
but now that I'm here,
your life had purpose.
So am I going to have to
dig my way out of here?
That's going to be a lot of work. I'm gonna
need more calories to pull that off.
Some sort of sky lantern.
Well, hey, there's the
teleporter up there.
Okay! Time for a physics experiment.
Oh, wow! It does hold my weight.
Well, I can't say I'm
happy to return to that guy,
but him seeing me again
should at least piss him off.
HEY, I FOUND MORE OF THESE
ROUNDS! ISN'T THAT COOL?!
WHOA! WELL, I THINK IT'S COOL!
YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY IS COOL?!
THIS SPACE-Y LASER GUN?!
LET'S TEST IT OUT ON YOUR CRYSTALS!
OH! I MISSED IT! LET'S TRY IT AGAIN!
COOL! HERE, YOU CAN HAVE SOME!
[vortigaunt charging up]
C'mon! C'MON!
[vortigaunt bolt]
[shudder]
[vortigaunt charging up]
PISS OFF!
[vortigaunt bolt]
[shudder]
Okay, water...! I can do water!
[vortigaunt bolt]
[shudder]
[vortigaunt charging up]
[gibbering]
[vortigaunt bolt]
[shudder]
[shuddering]
That hurts even more when I'm wet!
Okay! If everyone keeps their distance,
no one will get hurt who is me!
Draw! Wait, I said that late.
[vortigaunt charging up]
Draw!
[vortigaunt bolt]
[shudder]
Well, this place is nice and
roomy. It has a pool.
Hey, there's a light up there.
Is someone signaling me?
I think it's Morse for
"Yabba-dabba-labba-dabba-yabba-labba".
THAT WAS BAD ASS! Did you see that?!
They fucked you, too, huh?
Well, listen, are you
any good at basketball?
This might work as a low gravity court;
we could use an alien head as the ball.
SCIENTIST: Well, it appears the
containment system as completely failed.
Oh, God, you're another one of those savant
fucks who doesn't know what's happening!
This is worse than no one alive at all!
No, shark...! Get out before the shark...!
Oh, there's another ledge; that should
cheer me up, right? Because it's... rock?
Okay... let's hit--Ah!
That's a little rough.
Y'know, I figure--ahh--that these
chambers must be pressurized.
This gravity is even lower than before;
I shouldn't be able to even breathe
Okay, I really don't want to
jump in the shark tank again,
so I'm just going to hang off.
Shouldn't be too bad on my knees.
Okay, do I want to go
cause some more trouble?
I mean this place has no future.
Besides, he fucking started it!
Yeah, happy to see you, too!
Check this out!
Oh, these air currents suck.
Yeah, sorry!
That trick didn't go how I hoped!
But, hey, here's an old favorite;
you like this one, right?!
Boy, you're hard to please today!
[Nihilanth bolt]
[shudder]
Hey, let's stop fucking around; your
existence is an affront to my species,
so I've got--Oh, not this again!
You don't have to--no, no, no!
OH, HELL! IT'S ONE OF THOSE BIG GUYS!
But... Yeah, this is the same place.
Well, you go take a nap or whatever.
Don't let me disturb you.
Can you believe I still
have ammunition left?!
I mean, what else am I gonna do with it?!
Oh, this again! THIS IS YOUR
ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!
Y'KNOW, IF YOU COULD SEND ME
TO SOME LUXURY RESORT,
I WOULDN'T WANT TO COME BACK HERE!
Haaah... Okay, guess
I'm getting cleaned up.
I see haven't changed much in my absence.
You know what? You're a good roommate;
you just stand in the corner
and mutter to yourself.
I can't ask for more than that.
You know that other guy's a lot
more chilled out than you are!
You probably think you're enlightened
with your floating and prayer motions,
but, really, you're just a dick!
Oh, big surprise!
Big... fucking... surprise!
Fucking swan dive purgatory.
Well, I'm out of rockets, but I
want to unload everything.
It's better to die in a low-gravity ballet
trying to kill an elder god than...
Well, that's my only option, really.
YEAH! FEEL THE STING OF
DEFENSE DEPARTMENT FUNDING!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS GUN IS
BUT IT'S VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE!
OH, MY GOD! HIS HEAD IS A PORTAL!
HE KEEPS A UNIVERSE IN HIS HEAD!
YES! IT'S BREAKING APART!
THAT MEANS I GET TO BE THE NEW
GOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS, RIGHT?!
[vortigaunt charging up]
I'VE GOTTA GET UP THERE!
[vortigaunt bolt]
AH! NOW'S NOT THE TIME, FUCKSTICK!
HE'S MAKING PORTALS EVERYWHERE;
I'VE GOTTA GET ONE!
GIVE IT TO ME! I NEED A GOOD ONE!
Blah!
G-MAN: Gordon Freeman, in the flesh,
G-MAN: or rather in the Hazard Suit,
That's a fucking microbe!
G-MAN: I took the liberty
G-MAN: of relieving you of your weapons.
What?
G-MAN: Most of them were government property.
Did you drug me?
G-MAN: As for the suit,
G-MAN: I think you've earned it.
How long have I been out?
G-MAN: The borderword, Xen,
Did you do this?!
G-MAN: is in our control for the time being,
G-MAN: thanks to you. Quite a nasty
piece of work you've managed over there,
Yeah, tell me about it!
G-MAN: I am impressssed!
Well, you SHOULD be! I had to do S--
--O much... Christ, stop that, please.
G-MAN: That's why I'm here, Mr. Freeman.
Where?!
G-MAN: I have recommended your services
G-MAN: to my ehhhhhh-employers,
What, you're CIA?
G-MAN: and they have authorized me to
G-MAN: offer you a job; they agree with
me that you have limitlessss potential.
Well, you're right, but CIA?
God, I don't know.
G-MAN: You've proved
yourself a decisive man
G-MAN: so I don't expect you'll
have any trouble deciding what to do.
I want a pardon.
G-MAN: If you're interested,
G-MAN: just step into the portal
and I will take that as a "yessss".
A pardon signed by the President.
G-MAN: Otherwise, well...
I want labwork in Hawaii.
G-MAN: I can offer you a battle
you have no chance of winning.
G-MAN: Rather an anticlimax
after what you've just survived.
So, you're threatening me?
I'm not hearing a "yes" to my conditions.
Seriously, I want Hawaii.
And I'm a physicist;
I'm done being shot at.
You understand that, right?
G-MAN: It's time to choose.
You're threatening me, you took my
weapons, and you're a fucking Time Lord.
G-MAN: Wisely done, Mr. Freeman!
I will see you up ahead.
[Big thanks to Ross Scott for all
the great work! --danielsangeo]
G-MAN: I can offer you a battle
you have no chance of winning.
G-MAN: Rather an anticlimax
after what you've just survived.
Hey, asshole! I don't work for you!
You're not explaining anything,
so, to me, that say you're just
going to fuck me,
so why am I even talking to you?
G-MAN: It's time to choose.
Okay, here's what we're going to do:
you're going to turn this space tram around,
drop me off back on Earth,
then you can tell Langley your
personality didn't win me over.
G-MAN: Well, it looks like we
won't be working together.
G-MAN: No regrets, Mr. Freeman.
Okay! I changed my mind! I'll listen to
what you have to sa-AAAH!
LIKE, I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT?!
I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT!